I, too, wish I felt funnier lately.
OR: whatever happened to the 4-finger wave?
An observation:
Midwesternism is pervasive.
I started noticing while attending regular group morning meditation that even when you gather with Minnesotans for a deeply spiritual practice they do not want to say hi to you. Like, I can’t overemphasize how difficult it is to catch anyone’s eye on a regular basis. Most of the time, THIS is what I’m left looking like, a “hello” caught in my throat, and introduction imploded in my stomach.
Sorry, I thought we were all hanging out on pillows contemplating equanimity but we’re stuck at saying good morning to a stranger.
But, I’m kinda used to that lately. Since getting diagnosed with autism a few months ago, I decided to engage in what people call “making eye contact.” Do you know of this? Apparently, intently looking at someone in socially acceptable situations does not set off a chain reaction of events that ends in everyone in your past congregating to discuss your faults. Wait, do you know of this? It’s an experiment of typical vs. divergent and I’m finding that most people most be divergent. Actually, there’s a truth, so let me reformat that:
most people are divergent.
Seems to be that typical only applies when you’re gathered with like-minded, lifed, habited people but the word loses its weight very, very quickly. Feeling like an oddity most of my life, I’m confused by how many people in my day to day are absorbed in non-reality. Why walk with your phone? What ever happened to a lil’ nod? I know, I know, it’s scary out there and we don’t know who to trust but let’s be neighbors, ok? Even friends that I’ve made during long stints as a church section leader seem to forget about my existence until I’m paid to be at church again. Which is directed neutrally, since I routinely struggle with communication and upkeeping connections. In fact, many of beloved basses are on my email list. (Miss you, Jerry, Bill, Gregg, et. al. Remember that pitch happens at the inhale!) I use this as an example of loneliness, which I excel at.
Jeebus, what the heck was I going on about again?
Oh, yes, Midwesternism.
The horrors of the world are encroaching on my life. Deportations. Homophobia. Fascism. Health. Capitalism. It’s all greed, averice, pursuit of power. All I want to do is to interact with everyone and let them know that they are loved. Yesterday, I pictured my own father, who talks often about the virtues of a warrior, I pictured him in a peaceful warrior pose. The yoga stance with one leg reaching forward, bent, bearing weight but leading somewhere, the other stretched back, low to the ground, ready to submit, the arm reaching feminine into the air, gracefully reaching into the past to learn and embrace. It’s different than I know him, but imagining that I knew that these qualities are innately a part of him even if nurture didn’t ever raise awareness. I felt love, then. I want us all to see the best of each other, especially when the other only sees the cleanest flaw in our or themselves.
But, we Midwesterners are exclusive, cold underneath a warm shell. There’s a reluctance to engage fully with our fellow humans, because that may well interrupt the expectedness of what we built around us. As a life-long clique infiltrator, I see this quality pervade so many people I interact with each day. Look at me, let’s trade warmth. Let us root each other to the present moment, and let the atrocities of life remain unobserved for a second. Then, we can look again at what actions must be done, what issues remain unaddressed with the knowledge that not all is this way.
Anywho, see you at a show. If a lot of you show up, it could be a nice exercise in being neighbors with strangers.
Luv, Justin (your friendly neighborhood baritone)
